Hell_Kitten's profileHell KittenPhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
April 22 Dancing With Depression So often, when I think about my depression, I think of it as something outside myself - an enemy, an illness, a demon, a shadow. I gear up for battle to defeat it or I become busy so I won't have to think about it or I give in to it and let it overwhelm me. I react - fight, flight, or surrender. It feels like the depression is in control when I give up, but the other two options give me a sense of "doing something", of having some control. I suppose that's true in a sense, but in another sense it's really just a reaction - my instincts kicking in. Whenever we react to something, we aren't really in control, we are reacting. The very thing we are reacting to is in control. Rather like when you get in the same old fight with a spouse or parent, or child. It's the same dance, the same lines in the play - everyone does what their supposed to do in this well rehearsed dance that actually keeps everything the same. How can anything change when the dance, the reaction, is always the same? How can it be different when the reason we are dancing in the first place is to avoid dealing with or thinking about the deeper issues. Could my dance with depression be a similarly choreographed event? I choose one of the three previously rehearsed reactions and off we go - swirling, dipping, moving apart, then back together. Just waiting and hoping for the music to end. Will it be a quick minuet or a marathon dance contest? What if this time I refuse to dance, or, if I am already swept away, I try some new steps? What if I try a different approach? Dancing with depression is so hard, so painful that I usually just let my feet carry me over the well-worn dance floor. I don't look around to see who else is dancing. I don't look at who (or what) I am dancing with. It's a big masquerade But what if I stopped moving long enough to take a good look? What if I unmasked depression to see who (or what) is really behind that mask? I suppose its that big "what if" that keeps me (and all the other dancers) dancing. As long as there are masks, I don't need to look around to know what is happening. I am Fear and I am dancing with Depression and it's just what we do when the music starts playing. Sure it hurts, but it's a pain I'm used to. To take off our masks might make the pain greater, so why risk it? Why? Because I just might find that once I know who is behind that mask, I might be able to change the dance. I might be able to stop dancing. Then what is so fearful to keep me dancing? What might I find behind the mask of Depression? Anger? An anger so huge, so hot, so uncontrollable that no one would be able to withstand it? Perhaps Guilt? Then I'd be forced to look at things I have done that have hurt others, even when I didn't mean to, so that I will have to do the hard work of making amends. Perhaps scariest of all is the chance that who I might find will be Lost Dreams. All the things I wanted to be but chose a different path. The person I'd hoped to be who isn't who I am. So my fear keeps me dancing with a masked partner named Depression until I am brave enough, or strong enough, to stop the music, take off the mask and deal with whatever I may find. But perhaps the biggest fear is that behind the mask, I will find that all along I have only been dancing with myself... (more on that in my next entry) April 21 Things I Learned From My CatPeace,
Contentment,
Keep clean,
Stay alert,
Speak up and ask for what you need.
Always watching from the sidelines can be frustrating.
When you fall, act like it was part of the plan, then
get up and go on as if nothing had happened.
refuse to accept it - instead give them a "how dare you" death stare.
Find a patch of sunlight and lie in it.
Watching quietly is a good way to figure out what's going on.
When you see what you want, pounce on it; don't sit around thinking about it.
Be content just to be near those you love; nothing else is required.
 April 11 Afraid of a RelapseDepression is a disease that can sneak up on a person so easily. A few down days here, a little missed sleep there - hey, it just seems like a normal response to stress. After all, my friends tell me that they do these things and they are not “depressed”. At least that’s how it used to seem. Now, after recovering again from my most recent round with the black dog, I feel paranoid about any change in my energy level, sleep schedule, or emotions. I know, logically, that no one is happy all the time; maybe no one is even happy a majority of the time. This logic does not still my mind, however. Prone to ruminating with many random ideas and with many branching thoughts, my mind can take a little thread and unravel a whole sweater - just like that! Rapid changes in the Colorado weather from one extreme to another in a day or over the course of a day, have left me feeling exhausted and sluggish. There may be a scientific reason for this such a barometric pressure, allergies, or something, but to a mind now ever vigilant for the return of darkness, no reason seems to pacify. It can see only one reason for such feelings and begins sounding the alarm - it’s like a bizarre kind of Paul Revere - “the depression is coming! the depression is coming!” Well frankly, how can I know that it isn’t right? I can’t know, but I take steps to calmly and rationally prepare for a possible coming - just like when people know a winter storm is coming in a few days. Go to the store and get extra milk, bread, batteries, and anything else that might help them get through being unable to get out for a few days and the possibility of having no power or heat. Preparation cannot hurt, and it certainly brings with it a strong feeling of empowerment from having taken action to take care of yourself. And unlike storm preparation, this kind of action may actually prevent the problem from manifesting in the first place. So, I’m making my list of how to prepare for the possibility of a coming depression (and hoping I won’t need to use it): 1.) Acknowledge the fear. It’s real and pretending you aren’t afraid just uses up more energy which is typically in short supply to begin with. 2.) Be kind to yourself. It doesn’t do any good to blame yourself. You didn’t ask for this and you didn’t cause it. (But you can learn to deal with it!) 3.) Cut yourself a little slack - just don’t baby yourself. If you need a nap, take one. BUT - do not let your nap turn into a two hour sleep with the covers over your head. Don’t let your sleepiness keep you in bed in the morning - get up and do the best you can at keeping your daily routine. 4.) Reassure yourself that depression is an illness, not a weakness. Just because there isn’t a blood test to prove it, doesn’t change the fact that this a biologically caused problem with your brain; it is a physical disease as much as diabetes or heart disease. 5.) Find and read stories in books or magazines that are positive, about people who have been able to change their lives, but who were and remain just average people. Magazines like Positive Thinking, Guideposts, Science of the Mind, Angels. 6.) Watch stupid, funny shows on TV like Funny Videos. Watch stupid, funny movies with Adam Sandler or someone else equally ridiculous. Back off from the dark cop shows, the news, and anything else you’ve noticed tends to pull you down or get you focusing on your own problems or sadness. 7.) Make yourself exercise. It doesn’t have to be a huge, tiring experience. Take one more flight of stairs, walk around the house or the block. Maybe you’ll feel like doing more as time goes on so do what feels right, a lot or just a little. 8.) Check your nutrition. Been having a lot of soda, sugar, chocolate, candy, junk foods, and fatty foods? These contribute nothing to the proper functioning of the body. It would be like pouring watered down gas into your car or never changing the oil - the car would not perform as expected. So try some fruit, some carrots, more protein, more water. No, you don’t have to go on a huge diet or cut out everything fun. Just cut out a little here and there. And then feel good about any little step because it proves you can take care of yourself.
9.) Call a friend, go visit someone, get out of the house, call a therapist - anything to restore some human contact and get you out of your house and out of yourself.
10.) If you are off your meds, call your doctor and make an appointment to discuss which meds you should get back on, at least until you get back on your feet. Just remember, there are no wonder drugs! Drugs give you enough energy and hope to get up and do the rest of what needs to be done to recover. You can’t just sit around waiting for the drugs (or anything else) to save you. You will have to actually do some work for yourself (but you’ve survived before and you’ll do it again.)
http://www.kazuya-akimoto.com/2006/2006images/IMG_5822_howling.jpg April 05 Thought for TodayStand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they do not have half the strength you think they have. - Norman Vincent Peale April 01 Thought for the Day“Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job” March 31 Thought for TodayYou gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. -Eleanor Roosevelt March 30 Thought for TodayWe could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller Don't Go into the Forest Alone
In my ongoing struggles with depression, I have gone to places quite dark, lonely, and painful. If I hadn't written about these times while they were happening, I don't think I would remember just how bad they were. It's hard for me to remember anything specific, just an oppressive, exhausting, never-ending black hole of mental and emotional pain. I do know that when I am in that place, I just want it to end. I want to escape by whatever means possible. That was just over one year ago. Welbutrin has made all the difference! I don't feel up or down, I just feel normal. I have days where I have less energy and I feel some sadness that seems unrelated to the situation, but I just acknowledge it and go on. I don't worry that it is sneaking up behind me to overwhelm me again. But I know it didn't seem like that for me at the time I was in so deep. I still felt that this last time it would be never ending and that I would not be able to endure it. And I think of people I have known who have died from depression and the devastation left behind and I think - NO! I cannot just stand by and watch it happen to someone else. The pain may bring greater character, but it shouldn't have to be endured alone. It shouldn't have to be endured without knowledge or tools to help you deal with it. March 29 Thought of the dayWhen the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace. -Jimi Hendrix March 28 Thought for the dayCourage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” February Song (Caring Bridge Journal)February Song
Where has that old friend gone, lost in a February song?
Tell her it won't be long till she opens her eyes - opens her eyes.
Where is that simple day, before colors broke into shades?
And how did I ever fade into this life - into this life?
And I never want to let you down. Forgive me if I slip away.
When all that I've known is lost and found, I promise you I'll come back to you one day.
Morning is waking up, and sometimes it's more than just enough,
when all that you need to love is in front of your eyes.
And I never want to let you down. Forgive me if I slip away.
Sometimes it's hard to find my ground, 'cause I keep on falling
as I try to get away from this crazy world.
And I never want to let you down. Forgive me if I slip away.
When all that I've known is lost and found, I promise you I'll come back to you one day.
Where has that old friend gone, lost in a February song?
-Josh Groban (with a slight alteration)
Below is the journal I kept while Aubrey was in the hospital.
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2008 05:36 AM, MST Aubrey was admitted to the hospital this morning.
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2008 02:45 PM, MST FINALLY heard from one of the doctors at the hospital after waiting all day to find out what was going on. He was the medical doctor coordinating the medical aspects of her care. He seemed to think that it would be only 4 or 5 days that Aubrey would have to be in the hospital.
He told us the same thing that our original psychiatrist told us: it's either narcolepsy or bipolar, or both. He also suggested a sleep study and an EEG which he indicated he would be able to get scheduled in the next few days. Once the results of that are known, they will have a better idea of the best treatment but until then, they don't want to give her any medicine because it might give the wrong results on the EEG.
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2008 08:36 PM, MST We were given very little information about what to expect, etc. and much of what we were told turned out to be wrong or incomplete. We thought that anyone would be able to visit or call, like you can at most hospitals, even though the times were restricted.
We were not informed that only family could visit during the first few days and we were sad to have to turn away her friends that came to see her. And Aubrey was disappointed, too, but was happy to hear that they had tried.
Todd, Hannah, Grandma Carol, Grandpa George, and I were able to visit during the dinner break which was both encouraging and a little sad at the same time.
She had been there only 12 hours but had already gotten to know the other teens in her section. She told us about all the rules, activities, and what she was doing. She seemed fine, even happy and relaxed about the situation but quite hyper.
We saw her room which was very sparsely furnished and very bland. That was what was a little depressing.
Very nice people are working there and most of the other patients are also quite friendly. It is a very supportive group even though the rules of the place are a little draconian. Still we are sure that she is where she needs to be to stay safe and get the help she needs.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2008 12:39 PM, MST We will get to see Aubrey twice today! We had to meet with her counselor and then with Aubrey and the counselor this morning. I had to tell the whole story all over again. It was a little disappointing because the counselor didn't have all the information and some of what he had was incorrect.
We asked about how long she would be there and what course of treatment was planned, and we were given information that was frustrating. Now they are saying 6-7 days instead of 4-5 and the promised sleep study seems to have been a premature promise. We spoke with the medical doctor from yesterday who now had a different story to tell.
He was now unsure when the sleep study would be done, if it would be done on site or at another location, and just generally started backpedaling on what he said yesterday. We were very frustrated because even before she was in the hospital we knew she needed this study but had been having a lot of difficulty finding a place to administer it before the middle of March.
Todd wants to take her to Denver if they can't provide this study in the next day or two. I'm thinking that maybe they should just start giving her medicine that it appears she will probably need either way and see if it helps. They won't even give her anything to help her sleep before the sleep study. Meanwhile her nightmare continue while they discuss her like a science experiment!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2008 10:49 PM, MST Hannah and I had a very fun evening with Aubrey tonight! It was much better than the previous evening when we didn't know what to expect or what to do. We ate dinner with her in the cafeteria and lingered there until the counselor told us we had to leave. Normally the patients and their visitors must return back to the ward at that time. Tonight another patient was having some kind of episode and they had locked the ward down early and wouldn't let anyone in until the situation was under control.
So Aubrey and four other girl patients along with Hannah and I and the counselor got to go to the gym where they all ran around kicking balls, playing basketball and volleyball. I played volleyball, too! Aubrey was having such a good time running around, laughing, and being generally goofy. It was good to see. :^) We were there for 30 minutes and I think that was what we all needed to work out the stresses of what already seems like a very long week.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2008 08:33 AM, MST Just got a call from the medical doctor and finally things are starting to move. She will have her "sleep-deprived" EEG (brain wave test) today which will hopefully give the doctor enough information to come up with a treatment plan. The sleep study has been postponed until after she has been released and they won't wait for that to start treatment. (thank goodness!!)
Tonight they are going to start giving her Seroquel to help her sleep and to see if this medication helps with other symptoms. Like me, the doctor thinks that just getting her some proper sleep might lessen alot of the other symptoms. Within the next few days they will be deciding which medicine to recommend for long term use.
Aubrey's night problems have been cycling every three days with day one being the worst and lessening over the next two days only to get worse again. Last night would have been night one, so I am thinking they finally got to see what Aubrey and I have been trying to tell them about. Funny how that seems to spurred them in to action!
I haven't seen Aubrey today and will not until the dinner time visiting hours. I will let you all know how she is doing and what "level" she is on for getting privileges.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2008 07:30 PM, MST Hannah, Grandma Carol, and I had another dinner with Aubrey tonight. The food, well.... But it was good to see Aubrey. She still seems to be in good spirits but tired. When they said "sleep deprived EEG", they meant they only let her have four hours of sleep. She has done more of the required work but has not quite finished Step 2. For all you friends waiting out there, she can't have non-family visitors until Step 3 (and then only one - bummer). We didn't get to go to the gym tonight or stay late in the cafeteria so we didn't stay as long. (That way she has time to finish her Step 2 report!)
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2008 09:02 PM, MST Just got off the phone with Aubrey. I hadn't called before because I was afraid I would use up her allowed calls but apparently family calls IN don't count toward that. She sounded fine and was more energetic than she had been at dinner. She really appreciates all the notes and little gifts people have left for her, especially from the people she can't see or talk to. Anyone can drop off notes or cards anytime. You don't have to be an allowed visitor. Just take them to the front desk unsealed and they deliver them (after making sure you aren't trying to sneak in some flat drugs or something). She can have books, magazines, stuffed animals and things like that but no food, flowers, balloons or those traditional hospital type gifts. She sends her love to all of you and is looking forward to getting out, even though none of know when that will be. Again, thanks for all your support of all of us.
New photo of Aubrey in her band Also watch it at: Aubrey on drums (http://youtube.com/watch?v=7ZNS438LS2o)
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2008 10:24 AM, MST We have an 11:00 appointment at the hospital today. So I will update more when I get back.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2008 01:11 PM, MST Just got back from our session. I don't think that Seroquel will be the right medicine for her. We knew it wouldn't work long-term, but she probably won't get it again. It really zoned her out. She says she slept through the night and then slept three more hours after breakfast. I bet that's more sleep than she has had at one time, in a long time. But she was still groggy when we got there, wasn't even sure what time it was. The doctor is going to call me later today to discuss her new meds. Since she slept all morning there wasn't time to write notes but she said she would have more when I return at dinner time. So, more then and if there are notes, I guess I'll be seeing you later!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2008 06:18 PM, MST Back from visiting hours and the daily mail run. I think that she is really starting to make some progress but I know that she is also starting to get frustrated at having to be there. She seemed a little bummed tonight because it is the night of the Symphonic Band Concert that she should have been playing in. She was also bummed that she slept through 'school' which is when they do the work that lets them move up to more privileges. She was really hoping to be on Level 3 tonight so that she could have a friend visit.
We left early tonight to give her time to work on some of her projects that she missed during her morning nap. They are trying some different medicines tonight. I don't expect to see an instant improvement, though, while they figure out the correct dose. But I think what they are giving her tonight is a better choice and I'm hoping it doesn't leave her so tired tomorrow.
We will see her twice tomorrow, at 1:00 and 4:45. If she has made it to Level 3 it will have happened before our 1:00 session so I will let you know when we get back from that.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 29, 2008 07:09 PM, MST Well, we finally got to Level 3! What a relief to be able to have friends visit today. She was still pretty grouchy this afternoon (who wouldn't be!) but by tonight when her friends came, she was in much better spirits. The doctor is still not 100% sure what the problem is but he is gradually getting there by eliminating other things. It seems that the crisis is over and they are getting her ready to leave by learning coping skills so she doesn't get so overwhelmed when she is back home. They are still talking about Monday or Tuesday for a release so it won't be much longer. Thanks to all of you for your support. It's been a tough thing but I am glad to have met some people I probably wouldn't have gotten to know if this hadn't happened.
SATURDAY, MARCH 01, 2008 12:25 PM, MST The caseworker just called to check-in and said that Aubrey is in good spirits. She had trouble falling asleep last night but once she fell asleep, she stayed asleep. And according to my calendar, last night should have been a 1 in the cycle. For those of you who don't know about that, her nightmares are worst on Night 1, less on 2, and almost not there on 3, only to start back up full force on the next night, making it a 1 again. I imagine she had trouble falling asleep only because of how excited she was to get to see her friends. The regular doctor is not in over the weekend, so there may not be any changes in medicines or chances to ask questions about discharge. But she is still getting the full level of care and visiting hours are the same. As of yesterday, her caseworker was still hoping for Monday or Tuesday release date. We'll just have to see how the next two days go. Hopefully she is trying to get well, not just trying to get out.
SATURDAY, MARCH 01, 2008 06:09 PM, MST We didn't stay as long tonight but at least Todd finally got to visit her again. She was definitely in good spirits. Raina was there to visit, so we just left them to have fun together.
SUNDAY, MARCH 02, 2008 07:48 PM, MST This morning we saw her during a therapy session. She was wearing her own clothes instead of the hospital scrubs they give them to wear. I think she feels like she's ready to come home, which is a good sign. She said she slept pretty well with some nightmares but not as much as usual.
The main psychiatrist doesn't work on the weekends, so we couldn't get any news on how she is doing medically or when she might be released. The last word we had was still Monday or Tuesday. We took her some jeans and a t-shirt when we were there in the morning and she had them on at dinner. She's still pretty 'up', and a little agitated but I guess I'd be agitated, too, if I hadn't even been outside for a week.
MONDAY, MARCH 03, 2008 02:59 PM, MST I just got off the phone with one of the caseworkers who said that it was 'possible' that Aubrey would be released tomorrow, but he seemed to think that Wednesday was more likely now. He didn't have a lot of details about why or what was going on. I don't think he even would have called if we hadn't called him and asked for an update. I haven't heard from Dr. M, either (the psychiatrist of the unit). I feel like someone just put out a big sign that says WAIT. It's so hard to make plans for when to be home, what we need to do, etc. when they are so nebulous. Ah, well - I guess patience is a virtue for all of us.
MONDAY, MARCH 03, 2008 03:49 PM, MST I found this poem by Aubrey and thought that I would share it. I hope she will find this peace she dreams of:
What is peace? by Aubrey
Peace is like a soothing rain That falls on pain, washes it away.
Peace is like the rising sun that warms the hill of the lonely night.
Peace is like A family’s love That comforts Bitter fears.
Peace is like A dove that flies Free from a cage To race the wind.
Peace is like A subtle warmth Inside your chest To keep you calm.
Peace is like The clouds that clear After the storm To peace, from fear.
Peace in indescribable With words we mortals know Peace is so far from our grasp Yet we continue still, to reach.
What is peace to you?
MONDAY, MARCH 03, 2008 05:32 PM, MST Just back from the dinner break. Security was a little lax and four of us got in tonight at the same time. Hannah and I got in early then grandma and Raina came in together. We all stayed through dinner and said goodbye when she and Raina went back down to the unit. She was a little bummed tonight because almost all the girls that she has been in there with got released today. Only one girl is still the same. There weren't even many replacements and the dining room was pretty empty. We are hoping that since so many girls 'got out' today that they will be seriously looking at her getting out tomorrow.
MONDAY, MARCH 03, 2008 05:32 PM, MST Just back from the dinner break. Security was a little lax and four of us got in tonight at the same time. Hannah and I got in early then grandma and Raina came in together. We all stayed through dinner and said goodbye when she and Raina went back down to the unit. She was a little bummed tonight because almost all the girls that she has been in there with got released today. Only one girl is still the same. There weren't even many replacements and the dining room was pretty empty. We are hoping that since so many girls 'got out' today that they will be seriously looking at her getting out tomorrow.
MONDAY, MARCH 03, 2008 05:32 PM, MST Just back from the dinner break. Security was a little lax and four of us got in tonight at the same time. Hannah and I got in early then grandma and Raina came in together. We all stayed through dinner and said goodbye when she and Raina went back down to the unit. She was a little bummed tonight because almost all the girls that she has been in there with got released today. Only one girl is still the same. There weren't even many replacements and the dining room was pretty empty. We are hoping that since so many girls 'got out' today that they will be seriously looking at her getting out tomorrow.
TUESDAY, MARCH 04, 2008 12:36 PM, MST Frustrating that we have not heard from anyone at the hospital today as of yet...
TUESDAY, MARCH 04, 2008 01:10 PM, MST Finally someone called. But it's not what any of us wanted to hear. Not today.... Now it's Wednesday, maybe even Thursday. We are supposed to have our final meeting tomorrow to discuss discharge plans so at least there's that. (Guess I'll see you at dinner tonight, Ian)
TUESDAY, MARCH 04, 2008 05:40 PM, MST She was much more relaxed and cheerful tonight at dinner. She actually seemed more like herself than I have seen her for awhile. All of us were laughing and joking and having a good time. The only other girl who has been there a long time is leaving tomorrow morning. If they won't let her out tomorrow, I am going to need a pretty good explanation from the medical doctor. So keep praying and hoping...
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 05, 2008 11:35 AM, MST They just told us on the phone that release will be tomorrow - Thursday. We have a 12:00 meeting today and will have more info when I get back.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 05, 2008 01:59 PM, MST Well, they seem pretty sure about tomorrow, but they emphasized that it's always on a day-to-day basis depending on how the patient does. They even said that it might be early afternoon when she gets out, (barring any complications that may occur this evening or overnight.) They said that she will still need a lot of follow up care including the sleep study and possibly some neurological tests to rule out any other problems that may have contributed.
I don't know if she will be able to (or want to) go to school on Friday. It will probably be better to meet with the counselors at the school and see what we can work out in terms of make-up work, and possible schedule changes.
THURSDAY, MARCH 06, 2008 10:10 AM, MST I am going to pick Aubrey up today at 11:30!
THURSDAY, MARCH 06, 2008 01:15 PM, MST Hello everyone! It's Aubrey. I'm back! I've heard that I've been getting a lot of support from people out there! Thank you so much! I decided to post this instead of letting my mom because I figured you'd want to here from me, in person. I was released at 12 o'clock noon and I don't ever plan on going back.
THURSDAY, MARCH 06, 2008 01:31 PM, MST We are open for visitors anytime! |
|
|
