So often, when I think about my depression, I think of it as something outside myself - an enemy, an illness, a demon, a shadow.  I gear up for battle to defeat it or I become busy so I won't have to think about it or I give in to it and let it overwhelm me.  I react - fight, flight, or surrender.  It feels like the depression is in control when I give up, but the other two options give me a sense of "doing something", of having some control. 

I suppose that's true in a sense, but in another sense it's really just a reaction - my instincts kicking in.  Whenever we react to something, we aren't really in control, we are reacting.  The very thing we are reacting to is in control.  Rather like when you get in the same old fight with a spouse or parent, or child.   It's the same dance, the same lines in the play - everyone does what their supposed to do in this well rehearsed dance that actually keeps everything the same.

How can anything change when the dance, the reaction, is always the same?  How can it be different when the reason we are dancing in the first place is to avoid dealing with or thinking about the deeper issues. 

Could my dance with depression be a similarly choreographed event?  I choose one of the three previously rehearsed reactions and off we go - swirling, dipping, moving apart, then back together.  Just waiting and hoping for the music to end.  Will it be a quick minuet or a marathon dance contest?  What if this time I refuse to dance, or, if I am already swept away, I try some new steps?  What if I try a different approach?

Dancing with depression is so hard, so painful that I usually just let my feet carry me over the well-worn dance floor.  I don't look around to see who else is dancing.  I don't look at who (or what) I am dancing with.  It's a big masquerade ball anyway and everyone's wearing masks, so why bother looking?  I certainly don't want to risk doing anything that will make me feel more pain, more fear, or make the dance last longer.

But what if I stopped moving long enough to take a good look?  What if I unmasked depression to see who (or what) is really behind that mask?  I suppose its that big "what if" that keeps me (and all the other dancers) dancing.  As long as there are masks, I don't need to look around to know what is happening.  I am Fear and I am dancing with Depression and it's just what we do when the music starts playing.  Sure it hurts, but it's a pain I'm used to.  To take off our masks might make the pain greater, so why risk it?   Why?  Because I just might find that once I know who is behind that mask, I might be able to change the dance.  I might be able to stop dancing.

Then what is so fearful to keep me dancing?  What might I find behind the mask of Depression?  Anger?  An anger so huge, so hot, so uncontrollable that no one would be able to withstand it?  Perhaps Guilt?  Then I'd be forced to look at things I have done that have hurt others, even when I didn't mean to, so that I will have to do the hard work of making amends.  Perhaps scariest of all is the chance that who I might find will be Lost Dreams.  All the things I wanted to be but chose a different path. The person I'd hoped to be who isn't who I am.

So my fear keeps me dancing with a masked partner named Depression until I am brave enough, or strong enough, to stop the music, take off the mask and deal with whatever I may find.  But perhaps the biggest fear is that behind the mask, I will find that all along I have only been dancing with myself...            (more on that in my next entry)

     Depression is a disease that can sneak up on a person so easily.  A few down days here, a little missed sleep there - hey, it just seems like a normal response to stress.  After all, my friends tell me that they do these things and they are not “depressed”.  At least that’s how it used to seem.  Now, after recovering again from my most recent round with the black dog, I feel paranoid about any change in my energy level, sleep schedule, or emotions.  I know, logically, that no one is happy all the time; maybe no one is even happy a majority of the time.  This logic does not still my mind, however.  Prone to ruminating with many random ideas and with many branching thoughts, my mind can take a little thread and unravel a whole sweater - just like that!

     Rapid changes in the Colorado weather from one extreme to another in a day or over the course of a day, have left me feeling exhausted and sluggish.  There may be a scientific reason for this such a barometric pressure, allergies, or something, but to a mind now ever vigilant for the return of darkness, no reason seems to pacify.  It can see only one reason for such feelings and begins sounding the alarm - it’s like a bizarre kind of Paul Revere - “the depression is coming!  the depression is coming!” 

     Well frankly, how can I know that it isn’t right?  I can’t know, but I take steps to calmly and rationally prepare for a possible coming - just like when people know a winter storm is coming in a few days.  Go to the store and get extra milk, bread, batteries, and anything else that might help them get through being unable to get out for a few days and the possibility of having no power or heat.   Preparation cannot hurt, and it certainly brings with it a strong feeling of empowerment from having taken action to take care of yourself. And unlike storm preparation, this kind of action may actually prevent the problem from manifesting in the first place.

     So, I’m making my list of how to prepare for the possibility of a coming depression (and hoping I won’t need to use it):

1.) Acknowledge the fear.  It’s real and pretending you aren’t afraid just uses up more energy which is typically in short supply to begin with.

 2.) Be kind to yourself.  It doesn’t do any good to blame yourself.  You didn’t ask for this and you didn’t cause it.  (But you can learn to deal with it!)

3.)  Cut yourself a little slack - just don’t baby yourself.  If you need a nap, take one.    BUT - do not let your nap turn into a two hour sleep with the covers over your head.  Don’t let your sleepiness keep you in bed in the morning - get up and do the best you can at keeping your daily routine. 

4.) Reassure yourself that depression is an illness, not a weakness.  Just because there isn’t a blood test to prove it, doesn’t change the fact that this a biologically caused problem with your brain;  it is a physical disease as much as diabetes or heart disease.

5.) Find and read stories in books or magazines that are positive, about people who have been able to change their lives, but who were and remain just average people.  Magazines like Positive Thinking, Guideposts, Science of the Mind, Angels.

6.) Watch stupid, funny shows on TV like Funny Videos.  Watch stupid, funny movies with Adam Sandler or someone else equally ridiculous.  Back off from the dark cop shows, the news, and anything else you’ve noticed tends to pull you down or get you focusing on your own problems or sadness.

7.) Make yourself exercise.  It doesn’t have to be a huge, tiring experience.  Take one more flight of stairs, walk around the house or the block.  Maybe you’ll feel like doing more as time goes on so do what feels right, a lot or just a little.

8.) Check your nutrition.  Been having a lot of soda, sugar, chocolate, candy, junk foods, and fatty foods?  These contribute nothing to the proper functioning of the body.  It would be like pouring watered down gas into your car or never changing the oil - the car would not perform as expected.  So try some fruit, some carrots, more protein, more water.  No, you don’t have to go on a huge diet or cut out everything fun.  Just cut out a little here and there.  And then feel good about any little step because it proves you can take care of yourself.

9.) Call a friend, go visit someone, get out of the house, call a therapist - anything to restore some human contact and get you out of your house and out of yourself.

10.) If you are off your meds, call your doctor and make an appointment to discuss which meds you should get back on, at least until you get back on your feet.  Just remember, there are no wonder drugs!  Drugs give you enough energy and hope to get up and do the rest of what needs to be done to recover.  You can’t just sit around waiting for the drugs (or anything else) to save you.  You will have to actually do some work for yourself (but you’ve survived before and you’ll do it again.)

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